Remove Self-Judgement from Your Judgment- And Get Curious
We all want to get better in our various roles. Or at least that’s where I start in these pieces. If you believe you’re fully formed and have nothing new to learn, then by all means keep doing what you are doing, telling everyone within earshot how busy you are, and dropping the names of people I don’t know.
And getting better means improving my behavior, both those conscious decisions I make (judgments), and those automatic decisions I may make without being aware (habits).
Improving my judgment and habits is the process through which I learn new things and develop new skills, sharpen the tools that serve me well, and (hopefully) reduce the incidence of bad decisions and habits.
Let Me Guess: You Read another “Great” Book?
And once again I have discovered a book that has illuminated not just how important habits are, but also one of the biggest obstacles to developing good habits- my own self-judgement.
The book is Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything by B.J. Fogg, and I like it so much in part because it encourages me to do the real work and process of improving my behaviors. I like Fogg’s emphasis on the importance of gradual and incremental changes.
I also love that Tiny Habits identifies the essential role of emotion in habits, and especially in building new habits and changing old habits (I will come back to that at the end).
The Importance of Seeing Things Clearly
One theme (expressed in two quotes) leapt off the page:
“Look at your behavior with curiosity and objective distance.”
“Once you remove any hint of judgement, your behavior becomes a science experiment.”
In any situation where you have a problem to solve, or a decision that needs to be made, it is essential to see the issue or task clearly.
To be more effective (do the right things), and efficient (do things right), how do you evaluate yourself (or your office, organization, etc.) unless you can see clearly what you are actually doing?
What gets in the way of curiosity and objective distance, especially when it comes to the way we think and act? Put another way, what clouds, filters, narrow, or blinds our ability to see something clearly?
One major obstacle- at least in my experience — is self-judgement. Self-judgement is the harsh inner critic (fueled by emotion and the desire for survival and acceptance) who is much more unforgiving than you ever would be to another person. Paradoxically, self-judgement is also that “biggest fan” capable of placing blame and deflecting responsibility when things go awry, or taking credit where credit is not due. In either case, self-judgement, as the term suggests, is narrowly focused on the self.
“The less there was of me, the happier I got.” — Leonard Cohen
Why is self-judgement so unhelpful and potentially harmful?
Self-Judgement is Not Accurate
Consider the following:
“I am a good person.”
“I am a bad person.”
“I am not a creative person.”
“I won that motion/oral argument because I am a more skillful orator.”
“I lost because opposing counsel is/had/used ___________.”
“I am not a fitness person.”
“I don’t work enough.”
“I don’t spend enough time at home.”
These pronouncements are hardly factual or objective, except perhaps in the vaguest of senses. What would your reaction be if you saw statements like these in a brief? (Seeing how these self-judgements look on paper is one reason to keep a journal). Do you ever proclaim “My client is a lawful person!” and then walk away from the podium?
Self-Judgement Keeps Us Stuck
More fundamentally, self-judgement ensures that you are not taking steps to change the shape you’re in.[1] Self-judgement categorically labels an immutable characteristic (“I am a terrible writer”), not a circumstance (“That brief was not so effective.”). And something that is immutable can’t be changed.
The binary[2] self-judgement categorization leaves no space for improvement, because instead of appreciating mistakes as discoveries or experiments that show a path to improvement, we fail to see that we made any mistakes (problematic), or see error as further confirmation of inherent inadequacy or someone else’s fault (more problematic).
Back to the harshest critic/biggest fan framework, notice that the statements “I am a good person” and “I am a bad person” both serve to fix you in place. The latter indicates that you don’t believe you can leave your current (“bad”) predicament, the former suggests you don’t believe there is any reason to leave that (“good”) state.
Whether it is self-flagellation or self-aggrandizement, self-judgement leaves no room for any distance from the belief that we’re completely wrong or unquestionably right(eous).
When you’re fuming that the judge had it in for you or flying high on your brilliance, you’re letting yourself off the hook to be responsible for figuring out what to do better the next time.
In other words, self-judgement kills curiosity, and leaves you no space to grow or to want to change, even when the evidence is right in front of your nose.
Don’t Get Me Wrong
By discouraging self-judgement, I am not advocating that you stop evaluating yourself or others appropriately, or suggesting that “whatever” be your credo.
“By ending judgement, you do not avoid seeing what is. Ending judgement means you neither add to nor subtract from the facts before your eyes.” — W. Timothy Gallway
Conclusion: So What to Do?
Three suggestions, (since everyone digs checklists):
- Notice when you’re “exercising” self-judgement. Then maybe you can start replacing “I’m bad at …” with “What can I do to ….?”
- Celebrate Celebrate your successes- no matter how small- toward addressing self-judgement (or anything else). Emotions create and cement habits, both good and bad.
- Go easy on yourself and keep in mind this a lifelong process.
- Bonus: “When in doubt, zoom out.” -Reggie Watts. I will let you chew on that.
You’ve got enough challenges ahead of you without getting in your own way.
[1] The Band song is not “You don’t know … the shape in which I am,” so don’t @ me about the preposition.
[2] Beware the Binary. https://www.businessinsider.com/nyu-professor-scott-galloway-conflating-luck-talent-dangerous-2019-12
